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Archive for August, 2011

 

 

You say I am repeating
Something I have said before. I shall say it again.
Shall I say it again?

 

T.S  Elliot  ” The Four Quartets”

 

 

           I always seemed to be able to lock onto   memories of  emotion on others faces and  I don’t why  the feelings of others  is what I locked onto to or why at the moments of my own suffering I was focusing on the suffering of others. It’s a very  deep thing and is profoundly difficult to put into words.

yet I believe that the ability to lock onto a face that shows emotion is a way of  keeping humanity alive within ones self.  It’s about keeping the flame alive and the lights on.

 

shall I write  this  again?

I will write this again.

again. again. again and again.

In the darkest of places, in your darkest times  

If you want to hang on to your humanity-

( stay human)

  keep the flame alive

the  lights on.

enter

Repeat.

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Statement

  •        I am

  •            so

  •           much

  •          more

  •          than the

  •          crimes

  •         committed

  •        against

  •       me.

 

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My father had a  private post office box that other members of the family didn’t know about and it was my brothers responsibility to  pick up packages  in the box and bring them home.  He brought me along.

These were pictures of naked children and  also Leather S/ M  photos.

I remember reading the book, ” The Secret Garden” in the old soft back edition . The  book cover had an illustration of a  a sullen little girl standing by  a grey wall & When I looked at it , I  knew that she understood how depressed I  was and this unkempt Garden behind the walls , she turned into a secret hopeful  place.

I still have the book.

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Our Family  went on a Vacation to New Orleans in the mid  1960’s. At the  Hotel, my Brother and I were placed in the same room.  One night my brother wanted to sneak out and go to the strip clubs and took me with him. It was late.   We walked a few blocks and I was very tired.  The streets seemed filled with men and cigarette smoke and after  he sneaked us into the strip joint,  the only woman I saw was the stripper up front and men with strange looks on their faces.

N. Looked at me and said, ”  Don’t go anywhere. I have to go , I’ll be back.” and left me. ”  I don’t remember anything after that except looking up at the faces looking down at me  &  the feeling of being  engulfed  by cigarette smoke.

 

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Thinking on the phrase, ”  Walking with Authenticity.” Living with Truth without closing the door and still having a good life.  I am a philosopher, at heart,  and tend to believe that if you’ve been to some very dark places in life, then becoming one would only  make  sense.  I have been very fortunate to have met others who have also been to some very dark places in their lives and have made a  good life for themselves.  It takes hard work  and a  very deep commitment.

When I was a kid: I said to myself that , ” I would grow up.”

When I was in my  mid 20’s I made a decision to ,  ” Have a good life and do what it took to get there.”

When I was in my 30’s I said to myself that, ” I would not become a statistic”

well,

at 50 yrs of age ,  thanks to the determination of my childhood self,   I am alive.

In gratitude to my 20 something self  who made a commitment for a better tomorrow .  I live in that so wished of  and dreamed of space.

I am not a statistic. It’s just a normal  and average life.

and it is so sweet –

Celebrate.

sing

Dance

Play drums

 

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