Archive for the ‘resiliance’ Category

My father had a  private post office box that other members of the family didn’t know about and it was my brothers responsibility to  pick up packages  in the box and bring them home.  He brought me along.

These were pictures of naked children and  also Leather S/ M  photos.

I remember reading the book, ” The Secret Garden” in the old soft back edition . The  book cover had an illustration of a  a sullen little girl standing by  a grey wall & When I looked at it , I  knew that she understood how depressed I  was and this unkempt Garden behind the walls , she turned into a secret hopeful  place.

I still have the book.


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Thinking on the phrase, ”  Walking with Authenticity.” Living with Truth without closing the door and still having a good life.  I am a philosopher, at heart,  and tend to believe that if you’ve been to some very dark places in life, then becoming one would only  make  sense.  I have been very fortunate to have met others who have also been to some very dark places in their lives and have made a  good life for themselves.  It takes hard work  and a  very deep commitment.

When I was a kid: I said to myself that , ” I would grow up.”

When I was in my  mid 20’s I made a decision to ,  ” Have a good life and do what it took to get there.”

When I was in my 30’s I said to myself that, ” I would not become a statistic”


at 50 yrs of age ,  thanks to the determination of my childhood self,   I am alive.

In gratitude to my 20 something self  who made a commitment for a better tomorrow .  I live in that so wished of  and dreamed of space.

I am not a statistic. It’s just a normal  and average life.

and it is so sweet –




Play drums


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"A little spinner in the Mollohan Mills, ...

Image via Wikipedia

My Great  Uncle David , on my father’s Maternal side was a child laborer  in the  cotton mills  in the early 1900’s in  England.  It’s obvious that I don’t know this as a fact that he was sexually abused –  But  with what I know about him, I do think it is highly likely.

My Father was born in the 1920’s.

My Sister was sexually abused by my Great Uncle David.  She was severely physically abused by my  Father.   Her first Marriage resulted in Domestic Violence and Rape. She has since left some time ago.

My Brother was severely physically abused by my Father. He was also Sexually abused by him too.

I am the youngest  child of 3 siblings.  I was physically abused by my  Father and Brother.  I was also Sexually abused by Both.

My sisters Children grew up in a home with Domestic Violence.

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Children of the Night

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    Hope is te things with feathers that perchese in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops at all.” – Emily Dickinson … 


Many Thank yous to Ms. Jaycee Lee Dugard for her courage and fortitude in speaking in an interview with Diane Sawyer.  I watched some of her interview and  held her words in my heart.

I noticed that she used  the term ” Mind Manipulation”  in place of of the term ” Mind Control”  and how well  she described the physical and psycological grooming that takes  place .

I was placed downstairs in the basement with the door locked and left with newspaper placed on the cement floor  for the Bathroom.  I was forced to consume dog feces,  and at other points  not allowed  to use the bathroom with the door closed etc.

More than anything is how she held on to hope and held on to her coping mechanisms.  I would look for daylight coming from the window. Small things took on a life of their own as   Hope is truly a  thing with feathers.

Jaycee Lee Dugard’s   Just Ask  Yourself  To Care  Website

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-You’re so mean, when you talk, about yourself you were wrong.
Change the voices, in your head,  make them like you instead.-



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