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Archive for the ‘ritual abuse’ Category

   Closure

       Just some fleeting thoughts.

             1. I don’t see Closure as a Goal, as in to ” attain Closure”.  For, me it is a word that doesn’t fit into my vocabulary.

             2.  The Phrase that began to work for  me has been about learning to live  with  ones’ s Truth.  That , I believe, has been my invitation to  transformation.

Is Closure A Box ?

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I’d wanted to write a bit more on my  healing journey.   After my hospitalization in the early 1990’s  I did finally  begin to get assistance for my sexual abuse .  The truth is :  that alone was only another beginning/

Peeling back the Layers.

Another Doorway.   The only analogy that I can think of is one of  Layers .  I had just started on the first layer of my abuse – what I didn’t understand at the time was that  there were other layers to work through.  In each Layer that I subsequently worked thru the  severity  of the abuse increased until I arrived at the core issues.

Around that same time I joined an Incest Survivors Group at the local Rape and Sexual Abuse Center.  It was the luck of the draw that I happened to be in a group of women , who  ultimately had  stories with some similarity to mine.  We were given the project of the time line and it was  the  hardest thing for me .  I sat struggling with the  time line of my life – and began to panic when i realized that entire years of my life had disappeared from my memory, as if they had been erased or fallen down some  deep rabbit  hole. Shortly after that my Flashbacks began in terrible earnest.  I struggled with learning  how to maintain them.  I struggled with the smells that came back or snap shots.. but i did write, write and write and  write and  had my fair witness :  My therapist.  In addition I was also working … it is fair to say  I did not have much of a life at that time/ but kept on plodding along into the depression ,  feeling somehow that it would get better.

When the Cult Activities that my brother and his friends  began to surface, I thought that I was loosing my mind ! At the time  I was thinking.. Aha! now I have the proof.. that something is really wrong with me ! I had many sleepless nights, waking up screaming, terrified that someone was coming into my room etc…

My calls to  local Crisis lines of that time did not go very well.  One woman laughed,  Another was clearly scared of me etc.. so I stopped calling local Crisis lines and called National hotlines instead. Thank  God for those. One was in Dallas , Tx  and another was  from the Jewish Federation in New York City.. Of course i also have my self to thank as I didn’t give up  and after a while of learning how to manage my own Flashbacks :  I no longer needed the assistance of  Crisis lines  and had my Therapist as a back  up.

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