Faces.

 

 

You say I am repeating
Something I have said before. I shall say it again.
Shall I say it again?

 

T.S  Elliot  ” The Four Quartets”

 

 

           I always seemed to be able to lock onto   memories of  emotion on others faces and  I don’t why  the feelings of others  is what I locked onto to or why at the moments of my own suffering I was focusing on the suffering of others. It’s a very  deep thing and is profoundly difficult to put into words.

yet I believe that the ability to lock onto a face that shows emotion is a way of  keeping humanity alive within ones self.  It’s about keeping the flame alive and the lights on.

 

shall I write  this  again?

I will write this again.

again. again. again and again.

In the darkest of places, in your darkest times  

If you want to hang on to your humanity-

( stay human)

  keep the flame alive

the  lights on.

enter

Repeat.

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PTSD: It’s A Real Thing.

Statement

•        I am

•            so

•           much

•          more

•          than the

•          crimes

•         committed

•        against

•       me.

 

The Secret Post Office Box

My father had a  private post office box that other members of the family didn’t know about and it was my brothers responsibility to  pick up packages  in the box and bring them home.  He brought me along.

These were pictures of naked children and  also Leather S/ M  photos.

I remember reading the book, ” The Secret Garden” in the old soft back edition . The  book cover had an illustration of a  a sullen little girl standing by  a grey wall & When I looked at it , I  knew that she understood how depressed I  was and this unkempt Garden behind the walls , she turned into a secret hopeful  place.

I still have the book.

New Orleans Strip Club 1960’s.

 

Our Family  went on a Vacation to New Orleans in the mid  1960’s. At the  Hotel, my Brother and I were placed in the same room.  One night my brother wanted to sneak out and go to the strip clubs and took me with him. It was late.   We walked a few blocks and I was very tired.  The streets seemed filled with men and cigarette smoke and after  he sneaked us into the strip joint,  the only woman I saw was the stripper up front and men with strange looks on their faces.

N. Looked at me and said, ”  Don’t go anywhere. I have to go , I’ll be back.” and left me. ”  I don’t remember anything after that except looking up at the faces looking down at me  &  the feeling of being  engulfed  by cigarette smoke.

 

Share your story … start your ride .

Walking with Authenticity

 

Thinking on the phrase, ”  Walking with Authenticity.” Living with Truth without closing the door and still having a good life.  I am a philosopher, at heart,  and tend to believe that if you’ve been to some very dark places in life, then becoming one would only  make  sense.  I have been very fortunate to have met others who have also been to some very dark places in their lives and have made a  good life for themselves.  It takes hard work  and a  very deep commitment.

When I was a kid: I said to myself that , ” I would grow up.”

When I was in my  mid 20’s I made a decision to ,  ” Have a good life and do what it took to get there.”

When I was in my 30’s I said to myself that, ” I would not become a statistic”

well,

at 50 yrs of age ,  thanks to the determination of my childhood self,   I am alive.

In gratitude to my 20 something self  who made a commitment for a better tomorrow .  I live in that so wished of  and dreamed of space.

I am not a statistic. It’s just a normal  and average life.

and it is so sweet –

Celebrate.

sing

Dance

Play drums

 

Inter- Generational Family Sexual Abuse

Image via Wikipedia

My Great  Uncle David , on my father’s Maternal side was a child laborer  in the  cotton mills  in the early 1900’s in  England.  It’s obvious that I don’t know this as a fact that he was sexually abused –  But  with what I know about him, I do think it is highly likely.

My Father was born in the 1920’s.

My Sister was sexually abused by my Great Uncle David.  She was severely physically abused by my  Father.   Her first Marriage resulted in Domestic Violence and Rape. She has since left some time ago.

My Brother was severely physically abused by my Father. He was also Sexually abused by him too.

I am the youngest  child of 3 siblings.  I was physically abused by my  Father and Brother.  I was also Sexually abused by Both.

My sisters Children grew up in a home with Domestic Violence.

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Saturday

Am really looking forward to meeting my two nieces  as they come thru Nashville. My sister has  4 children, all of them adults now.  My nephew, is now married with 2 children !  I am thinking of “ The Dream  Deferred”  by Langston Hughes.  It has so many implications and  ideas for further thought.

Dream Deferred

What happens to a dream deferred?Does it dry up
Like a raisin in the sun?

Or fester like a sore–
And then run?

Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over–
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

Some things are Sweet and  worth working very hard  for

and  you have to figure out how much your willing to fight

for that

sweet happiness/ To be worth struggling for –

What a great time we had.   My Niece Anne is on her way to Harvard  for her first year in the Divinity School and is driving with sister , Elise, for a drive to various places before she starts first semester.

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the ( neighborhood )

Image by Eric Perrone via Flickr

I take  great pleasure in having a great average day !  Walking  Cheyenne in the morning and getting to know  another dog walker. This dog is a rescue from Atlanta.  A black mop.

Cheyenne walked in the a.m   √

Plans with my Nieces  for Breakfast this Saturday √

Chasing Cheyenne after she ran out the door.   √ ♥  ( Priceless)

Voting     √

Calling my elderly Mother and having a good talk. √ ♥   : D    ( Priceless)

Upstairs  in the Studio  trying to think of out-of-the-box ideas .. √

Washing ink of Cheyenne’s Paws after she tried to eat one of my blue pens  √

A Good day √ ↑

: )